Sword Boy and Magic Wench I

These are the adventures of Sword Boy and Magic Wench - accounts of epic deeds and their daily life confronting danger in the mythical lands of Generic Fantasy World!</b>

Join them now as they stride boldly through the perilous ‘Dark Forest of Trees’!</b>


SB “I’m afraid, Magic Wench”

MW “What is it NOW Sword Boy?”

SB “The trees… They have moss!”


(A piercing scream of frustration echoes through the forest, as Magic Wench loses all patience and starts to strangle Sword Boy.)


Suddenly, a piercing scream is heard in the forest, accompanied by a cry for help</b>

SB “Whoa. Deja-vu. Why did you scream? Why twice? Was it the moss? Is that why you are hugging me?”

MW (Grimaces) “Yes. It was the moss. That is why I am hugging you. I just need another two minutes of hugging… okay?”

SB “Uhh… I’m having trouble breathing, Magic Wench.”

SUDDENLY, a piercing SCREAM is heard from the forest, accompanied by a CRY for HELP!!!</b>

MW “Oh for CRYING OUT LOUD!!! Why couldn’t it have waited another minute?

SB “Hark! Yonder is a cry for help!!!”

MW “I heard it, you twit”

SB “Then let us not dally! We must save the maiden in distr…”


(Sword Boy is cut off by Magic Wench’s enthusiastic ‘hugging’. He pulls her hands away from his throat)


SB “Now is NOT the time for affection, O comrade of mine! There are foul deeds afoot! It is time to Fight For Justice!!!!


(Drawing his sword, Sword Boy charges off into the forest. Magic Wench draws her wand and follows, cursing under her breath.)


In a completely different part of the forest - No, NOT on the other side of that bush there, gods-dammit.</b>


(In a forest clearing, a green-skinned goblin is fiendishly plotting in a frock coat, tasteful slacks and shirt, neatly starched cravat, top hat and riding boots.)


HFS (Maniacal Laughter) “Little do they know that the scream is but a trap, set by myself - Lord Horatio Fonsonby-Smythe!!!” (More maniacal laughter)


Back to the OTHER completely different ‘not on the other side of the bush within logical auditory range of the heroic duo’ part of the forest.</b>


SB (Still charging) “Fear not, fair maid! I come to rescue thee!!!!”

MW (Incanting) “Death to Stupid Idiots lvl 2!!!”


Some cheap special effects - which involve silly string and liberal amounts of glitter - later, absolutely nothing happens, and the heroic Duo are in yet another clearing, confronting a screaming fondue</b>

SB “Egads! We are too late!! The fondue has EATEN the fair maid!!!”

MW “Sword Boy - it is the fondue screaming.”

SB “Egads! We are too late! The fair maid has been transformed into a fondue!

MW “Sword Boy… there never WAS a fair maid.”

SB “I say, Magic Wench, that’s a bit harsh! You haven’t even met the poor girl. How can you say she isn’t fair?”

MW (Shouting now) “There was never a maid to begin with! No maid! Do you understand? No. Maid. None. Nada. There was only ever a screaming fondue! DO. YOU. UNDERSTAND?!?”

SB “Egads, Magic Wench. I think you are being a bit unrealistic about all this. I distinctly heard a fair maid’s cry of distress.”

MW (Spluttering and frothing inarticulately)

SB “And I am an expert in such matters.”

MW (Regaining some composure) “You thought a mooing cow was a cry of distress!”

SB “Wouldn’t you be distressed too, if you, a fair maid, had been turned into a cow?”

(At this point, the fondue interrupts)

FD “Umm… why are you ignoring the devastating effects of my sonic, ear-shattering, attack?”

MW “’Quelled scream of the shrieking harpy, level 1’ - never go outside without it.”

SB “I live with Magic Wench. You get used to screams after a while.”

MW “Shut up, Sword Boy.”

SB “Yes Magic Wench”

FD “Then prepare to be defeated by my poisonous ‘Blue-vein cheese attack’!!!”

MW “Sword Boy! Use your ‘Whirling cheese grater technique’ on the fondue!”

SB “Uhh… Say again?”

MW (sighing) “Hit the damn thing with your bloody sword, fool.”

SB “But isn’t it impolite to hit a lady? Even if it is now a violent fondue?”

MW “Do it or I will hit You. Attack the damn cheese-monster already!!!

SB “Yes Magic Wench”


The heroic duo engage in epic battle with the fearsome cheese fondue. The Fondue’s ‘Melted cheese’ entangling manoeuvre is countered by Magic Wench’s ‘Bagel Barrage spell, lvl3’ whilst Sword Boy uses the patented ‘cheese slice’ strike. Victory comes to the duo, and the fondue comes to a sticky end. </b>

The Goblin, Horatio Fonsonby-Smythe, rants and raves in a completely different, ‘not hiding behind that large oak tree over there’ part of the forest.</b>


HFS “You may have defeated my Cheese Fondue! But my next creation will surely defeat YOU!!!!! BWAHAHAhahahahaaaaaaa!!!!!!!”


The end.

No more story for you.

Bugger off.</b>